I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
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Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Yes, this is exactly right
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?