*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
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If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.