Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
You Might Also Like
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
mom had nothing to worry about
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.