me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
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[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Yes, but it was never about money
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.