person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
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I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
I am all good here, 😂😉
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.