So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
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Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Is your wife single?
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Straight people are cancelled