when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
You Might Also Like
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Steam Forums
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over