Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
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-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again