I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
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Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.