If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
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“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
this could fix me
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Breaking news:
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!