I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
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In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
You are not alone 💚
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling