Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
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goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.