google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
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Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
I occasionally drink every single night.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.