Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
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Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Weirdly Wednesday.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Found my door mat