Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
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Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
This is my bus stop.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
My first child will be named New Folder.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.