70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
You Might Also Like
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Me checking my bank balance online.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.