A Match(.com), but for socks.
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Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.