There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
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My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.