Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
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TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.