God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
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If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
*3.5 thank you very much.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Blew my mind.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.