Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
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[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Bond. Trauma bond.