vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
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The check engine light came on inside my oven.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
need him
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.