“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
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Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Put the is in disheveled
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
WTF
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Need this in my life lol