this could fix me
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[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.