incredible text to wake up to
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Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Would you wear it?
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?