“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
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[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.