kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
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i wish i could marry a nap
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.