interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
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I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!