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My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky