My work here is done
You Might Also Like
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?