[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
You Might Also Like
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.