[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
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I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.