*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
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My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST