Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
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STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’