WTF IS AN ACRONYM
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Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money