Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
You Might Also Like
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.