Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
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Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.