I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
You Might Also Like
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.