Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
You Might Also Like
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Merica.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”