It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
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haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?