Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
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Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard