Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
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me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Thursday Thought.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her