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All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Meow
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”