The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
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I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Big Sex has us all fooled
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.