oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
is it earth
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise