Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
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Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before