I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
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If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile