I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
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ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
The news in a nutshell.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.