DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
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I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.