[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
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HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.